


I Love(d) You

by AlphaVoyager



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Fake AH Crew, Kinda, Lots of Angst, M/M, So much angst, but also ambiguous, idk just like a lot of sad, not really freewood but haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:57:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16090409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaVoyager/pseuds/AlphaVoyager
Summary: They were burning up from the inside out and they never even noticed and fuck Gavin always said he wanted to be in the middle of the bomb, always wanted to be where it burned the brightest, but he probably wasn’t laughing now. Ryan wanted to turn back and beg for forgiveness.





	I Love(d) You

**Author's Note:**

> based on a prompt from anonymous: "The way you said 'i love you': as a goodbye. freewood bls thanks"  
> haha hope this is angsty enough for you  
> also no beta we die like men :-)  
> alex if you read this im so sorry man i swear i love you.

The final I love you. It was said days ago. But even then it felt like goodbye. No longer felt like coming home. No longer held the warmth and love that it usually did. It felt soured. Something laying underneath. Like a bomb. It blew up tonight. It blew up when Gavin screamed in Ryan’s face that no one could ever love someone like him. No one would ever be able to love a demon, a monster carved from his own hunger. The slammed door in his face just sealed the pain in his heart. He could feel the walls being brought up. Gavin was the last person that Ryan let in. He could never love again. After all, a monster could never be capable of love, could he?

Ryan wished he didn't feel so empty after this argument. This is what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted Gavin to finally look at him and see the monster that he is. He wanted Gavin’s eyes to grow cold and spit out “devil” and slam the door in his face and never look back. But if that's what he wanted, then why does it hurt so bad. Why does his chest ache when he thinks of the way Gavin used to look at him every morning. Why does his heart hurt when he remembers the sleepy “I love you”s that they whispered every afternoon, while laying in the sun, surrounded in each others warmth. 

He wants to forget the way that their love burned like an oil fire. Never running out. Always burning brighter. It hurts to remember the way that they so hungrily took to everything they did. How they devoured each other every moment they were alone. They were burning up from the inside out and they never even noticed and fuck Gavin always said he wanted to be in the middle of the bomb, always wanted to be where it burned the brightest, but he probably wasn’t laughing now. Ryan could imagine him sitting in his dark apartment. Was he angry, was he sad, was he just numb like Ryan. He couldn’t feel his body anymore. He was cold. Just a shell of the man we was just hours before. 

He used to want to burn cities for Gavin. He would burn himself if it meant seeing Gavin smile. Now he would burn Gavin to watch him scream. To hear him beg. To be warm again. He needed to heat up his numb body. Set fire to the world just to warm his cold heart. Watch it all go up in flames because that was more fun than dealing with consequences. Why not set fire to everything you love? It's selfish but Ryan never claimed to be anything but. He did everything for himself because that's what you do when no one else will look out for you. Build yourself up from the ground. Watch your own back because no one else will do it for you. He got soft. Let Gavin in a little too much. Stopped watching his own back, started watching someone else’s. Started watching everyone in the crew. He was soft. He was never going to be as cold as before. 

3 am and all he can do is scream his sorrow into the depths of his bedroom. He promised he’d never spend his days balancing on the edge of a knife but no one keeps promises anymore everyone is made of up lies. He lies to himself and says someone loves him, someone cares about him, but he knows deep down that if someone saw him burning alive they would only laugh and spit in his face. Watch as he remade from the inside out. Made into something pure, something holy. Something like a god. And he always wanted to be above men, but then why does it hurt so much when it happens. Why can’t he stop the screaming. Why can’t he get the taste of Gavin’s name out of his mouth in the end.

In the end he was nothing but weak. Set the world on fire, freud, but you’ll never see him burn. Gavin was always meant for something better than him. Someone who wouldn’t tear him apart just to hear him scream. He always wanted something more sinister. Because who wouldn’t. Presented with a pretty boy, just perfect for marking up. Take a knife to him and watch him bleed watch him scream. And was it ever really love if all he wanted to was destroy Gavin? Was it just something like a monster growing inside him, blooming under his skin. Waiting. Watching. Hoping for the moment that he would finally break Gavin. 

Driving anywhere around the city just dragged up memories of him and Gavin. Driving around and 1 am just because they could. Wreaking havoc on the city because anyone with the amount of power that they had would too. It was fun watching the way that the city came to life when night fell. The way it took a breath, paused, and started living. The city was like Ryan. When he first saw Gavin he paused and took a breath. He starting living after their first kiss. He was live for so long. Flying on the edge of something glorious. But there was always something sinister beneath the warmth. Ryan was a fool for denying it for so long. 

It was his fault but he would never admit it. Would rather choke on his own words before they left his mouth. He wanted this. He ached for this ever since he was born. The only thing he ever wanted was for someone to call him a monster. To finally look at him and see the truth. But if that’s what he wanted, why did it hurt so badly. Why did he ache for the way that Gavin would call him sweet names. He will never recover. Never be the same. He would never be able to look at Gavin again and think about the way they loved each other. It was tainted now. The memory of the alcohol on Gavin’s lips was soured now. No longer so sweet 

Ryan remembered the way that his fingers fit in between Gavin’s ribs. He could rip Gavin apart. Jam his fingers between the bones and pull him apart piece by piece. It was almost laughable that at one point Gavin trusted him. Now Gavin wouldn't even look at him. Wouldn't acknowledge his presence anymore. They loved each other at some point and now all their time spent together was filled with silence and the afterthought of what was almost true love. They were almost soulmates. It was right person wrong time. It would always be wrong time. Ryan would never be the one for Gavin. Always too willing to rip every bone out of his body. Always too eager to see Gavin’s blood all over his hands. He would never be good enough. That's why they didn't work out. It's why they always ended up screaming at each other. Why every night ended up with slammed doors and tears in dark parking lots where no one would see that they were weak for each other but they would never admit it because denial was always better, wasn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry bls forgive me for my sins


End file.
